The news out of West Virginia

Yesterday morning, my morning radio station reported the latest legislative news out of West Virginia; it seems that in order to reduce the incidence of a certain class of large inanimate objects cluttering the state highways and byways, lawmakers have decided that motorists responsible for putting these hazards in place may deal with them by hauling them home. (You'll see what I'm talking about in a moment; trust me.) For no particular reason, this prompted a song, which I append here for the collective amusement of the gallery. (I also sent a copy of the lyrics off to the radio-personality's e-mailbox; he seems to have been amused.)

reply  <John C. Bunnell>
  <JCBunnell at sff.net>

THE WEST VIRGINIA DIET
(to the tune of "Lizzie Borden" by the Chad Mitchell Trio)

Oh, the folk of West Virginia are a good old-fashioned bunch; They like eatin’ meat for dinner (and for breakfast, and for lunch); But be careful if you ask one what that is upon his plate, Because like as not, he found it lyin’ on the Interstate.

     ‘Cause you can eat the roadkill back in West Virginia,
     (It’s a conservation measure, so they say);
     Yes, you can eat the roadkill back in West Virginia,
     Though you shouldn’t tell the ASPCA.

Seems those West Virginia lawmen thought the cost was just obscene For to haul away the corpses and to keep the highways clean, So they passed a regulation, purely legal-like and neat: "We don’t care what you run over, if you’ll take it home to eat!

     So you can eat the roadkill here in West Virginia;
     It’ll even save our State Police some cash;
     Yes, you can eat the roadkill here in West Virginia--
     And we hope you like the taste of ‘possum hash."

Now the boys of West Virginia, they are hunters one and all, And they love to roam the woodlands ev’ry spring and ev’ry fall, Only now that roadkill’s legal, they are droppin’ major bucks Puttin’ lots of reinforcement on the bumpers of their trucks.

     ‘Cause you can eat the roadkill back in West Virginia,
     ‘Twould be shameful lettin’ meat just go to waste;
     Yes, you can eat the roadkill back in West Virginia,
     And the chrome an’ rubber scarcely hurt the taste.

Oh, you may think West Virginians are a trifle odd or queer, ‘Cause they like to eat their roadkill, be it cow or sheep or deer; But they’re really not that crazy…. Well, a few of ‘em are bats: They’re the ones who roam the suburbs scarfin’ roadkill dogs an’ cats!

     ‘Cause you can eat the roadkill back in West Virginia,
     Though we’re not quite sure how many really do,
     Yes, you can eat the roadkill back in West Virginia
     And I wouldn’t say so if it wasn’t true.

     Yes, you can eat the roadkill back in West Virginia….


         [Raccoon ragout, venison a la Goodyear—what will they think of


next?]
     Yes, you can eat the roadkill back in West Virginia….


         [Gives a whole new meaning to the words "tailgate party", doesn’t


it?]
     Yes, you can eat the roadkill back in West Virginia….


         [This just in: Martha Stewart’s COOKING WITH ROADKILL a bestseller


in Wheeling!]
     And I wouldn’t say so if it wasn’t true!

--John C. Bunnell (Feb. 4, 1998) Received on 02/05/98