celtic music revisited

From: Arlene 'Callie' Hills <callie at twig.com>
Date: Thu, 05 Nov 1998 10:04:02 -0800

I found the following amusing, and since I know there are a number of Celtic music fans on the list, I thought I'd share it.

Cheers,
Callie

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Replied: Wed, 04 Nov 1998 15:49:09 -0800 Replied: Steve Simmons <scs at lokkur.dexter.mi.us> Delivery-Date: Wed, 04 Nov 1998 15:06:10 -0800 Received: from lokkur.dexter.mi.us (lokkur.dexter.mi.us [148.59.2.1])

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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 17:57:28 -0500
From: Steve Simmons <scs at lokkur.dexter.mi.us> To: "Steve's Musical Friends" <musicians at lokkur.dexter.mi.us> Subject: Celtic music is undemanding and inoffensive. Message-ID: <19981104175728.A10935 at lokkur.dexter.mi.us> Mime-Version: 1.0
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Excerpts from the Zouki No-Bullshit Encyclopedia of Musical Terms, Volume III
[Harvard Press, 1996]:

Celtic [KEL-tik or (in Boston area) SEL-tik], adj. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The term "Celtic" is often applied to forms of musical expression that sound almost Irish or almost Scots but are in actuality not either.

Music referred to as "Celtic" is commonly sweet and harmless; in listening to it, one has the impression of something diaphanous or shimmery, kind of musical Jello [green, without the fruit cocktail], easily digested and soon forgotten.

Celtic music is undemanding and inoffensive; it will never break up any families or keep anybody up for three days and night playing it. It's soothing enough to play on an airliner just before take-off; it's an easy-listening programmer's dream around Saint Patrick's day.

Celtic music wants to be loved by everybody; it pities the unshaven yahoos crouched in smelly dark pubs spilling drinks on themselves and shouting things like 'upya-boya!' at equally unappetizing musicians.

In content Celtic music is often minor or mixolydian; harps and synths and heavy reverb are important to its sound; banjos almost never used; uilleann pipes are okay if they can be miked to sound very far away and not particularly happy about it. If bodhrans are used, they are played as melody instruments; usually there are a lot of them. Theramins and glass harmonicas are not beyond the realm of possibility.

Conjecture 1: If it kicks ass and makes you want to stuff the headphones INSIDE your ears, it's probably not Celtic.

Conjecture 2: Joe Burke, Frankie Gavin, Liz Carroll, James Kelly, Joe Derrane, and 7,654 other musicians are NOT Celtic and never will be.

Some important rules to keep in mind:
[1] True Celtic music must never be performed using identifiable melodies.

[2] An Irish tune can be transformed into a Celtic tune, but the process is

    not pleasant to listen to and can cause serious trauma to those over the     age of forty.

[3] If you hear it:

• having a cavity filled
• having your bad back manipulated
• stocking up on house-brand toilet paper at the supermarket
• waiting for Earl and the guys to finish up that lube job on your Mazda ... the chances are 97.4 to 1 that it's Celtic.

Celtic music is best listened to with two Paddies [neat] under one's belt and perhaps a small animal nearby to vent one's frustrations upon.

It's also appropriate to listen to Celtic music when watching an astronomical event like a solstice or an equinox, but the listener should ideally be robed in bear-skins [scraped] at the time to capture the plenitude of the experience. A goblet or two of mead doesn't hurt either.

WARNING: Welsh, Manx, and Breton music are also considered part of Celtic music. This should serve as sufficient warning to those intending to drive vehicles, perform gall-bladder surgery, or operate machinery.

The term "Celtic" is also extended to Galician music and, according to the ethnomusicological gossip mill, may soon be stretched to cover the musical endeavors of the mysterious Lost Celts of the Trans-Caucasus, who routinely disembowel any musician daring to play in 4/4 time and who worship an obscure deity that resembles Paddy Moloney.

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Received on 11/05/98